Fear: A Double Edged Sword

Fear can drive humans to do incredible things. When being chased by a predator, it can make us run faster and farther than we ever thought possible. While this example is incredibly brave, fear can also drive us to do incredibly shameful things. It can motivate us to shirk difficult responsibilities in favor of an “easier” path. It can persuade us to hide, lie, and bend the truth to evade painful consequences. Ultimately, fear can either help us build perseverance, or we can allow it to drag us down into passive avoidance.

This is especially true when we are dealing with something of which we are deeply ashamed. When struggling with sexual addiction or pornography addiction, we lap up the lies fear feeds us to justify staying in the shadows with our secret. Fear tells us the shame of our addiction will ruin our reputation and destroy our life. It convinces us that staying hidden in the darkness will “protect” us from the consequences of our actions. We choose to believe that the terror we feel when we think about our wife’s reaction to hearing about what we have been up to is a valid reason to keep lying to her. The trepidation we feel becomes a defense for continuing to live a life based on deception and isolation. It becomes our rationale for a complete lack of intimacy. Fear persuades us to settle for a counterfeit relationship with our wife, phony friendships, and believe the hoax that we can “do it on our own.”

Often, what finally breaks through the lies of fear is the truth that we might lose everything if we do not seek help. At some point, we are caught in the act, or evidence of what we have been hiding is found, or our wife finally grows tired of our excuses and gives an ultimatum for us to tell the truth. Faced with the real horror of divorce, or raising kids in a broken home, this is the opportunity to let fear help us persevere, be brave, and ask for help. After listening to the poisonous lies of fear for so long, being free from addiction might sound absurd; however, recovery is possible if you start being honest. Once you start telling the truth about your struggle, the chains begin to be broken and you can experience healing. At first, the pain of facing the consequences of your deception might seem unbearable, but you do not have to endure it alone.

Joining a group of other men who understand what you are going through will help you stay on the path to lifelong change. You and your group will spur one another on, learn to tell the truth, and experience real intimacy. Working one-on-one with a recovery coach will guide you to uncover how you became addicted, what kept you stuck, and understand the tools that will keep you living in freedom. If you are ready to take the first brave step and ask for help, I invite you to schedule a free consultation and see if my one-on-one coaching and recovery group is right for you.