For Wives and Partners of a Sex Addict

“He doesn’t get it,” my wife said during a session with my counselor shortly after disclosure. My wife was expressing her fear that I did not and may not ever be capable of understanding the impact my addiction, my lying, and my deception had on her and on our relationship. At that early stage of recovery, the ugly truth is, she was right. I could not empathize with her pain, I could not understand her hurt, and I could not see the crater I had created in our relationship and in her heart. My mind was so deluded, my thoughts so self-absorbed, and my heart so cold and bereft of feelings from years of emotional avoidance and selfish indulgence that I could not “get it.”

After months of individual and group recovery work, I was able to experience healing in my mind and heart and the gravity of what I had done was, at many times, overwhelmingly painful. It was only through facing the consequences of my addiction, understanding how much I had hurt my wife, accounting for how much time I had wasted, and grasping how much I had hurt myself that I was fully awakened to how desperately I needed to be free. I never, ever want to go back. I started in recovery to save my marriage, but I decided I wanted to be sober, no matter what happened with my wife, because I wanted it, for me.

That is what it takes to experience life-changing recovery: facing the brutal agony our actions caused. My counselor called it “the medicine” I needed to “take” in order to stay sober and stay free. Prior to getting into recovery and early on in recovery, addicts do not “get it” and this is deeply hurtful and extremely frustrating to their wife or partner. If you are reading this and you are the wife or partner of someone who is struggling with sex addiction or pornography addiction, I encourage you to save your emotional energy and put it toward your own healing.

Right now, he cannot hear you. No matter how clearly you explain it or how raw you are with your emotions, his ears and heart are closed. There will be a day when he can hear you, should he choose the road to recovery, but that will require him to fully surrender his addiction and humbly ask for help. You cannot do it for him and no one can save him from the consequences of his actions.

What you can do is establish a clear “line in the sand” that you do not accept his addiction and you will not keep being victimized by his relapses or his emotionally immature behavior. Make it clear that he must get help from a sex addiction recovery program and that talking to his buddies or his pastor are good first steps, but they cannot be the only steps. Most importantly, ask yourself “what do I need?” in order to stand firm, feel safe, and separate yourself from the chaos.

Setting up clear boundaries and requiring action steps toward change may feel harsh or unloving at first; however, calling your husband or partner into the light is one of the most loving things you can do. By making these requests and prioritizing your own healing you are loving yourself and loving your marriage. Marriage works best when two healthy people actively participate and you do not have to wait for your husband to buy into his own healing to seek it for yourself. If you want to work with a counselor, there are counselors who work with partners and wives of sex addicts. If you want to join a support group, there are support groups that also focus on partners and wives of sex addicts. Your husband or partner may choose to continue to suffer in his addiction, but you do not have to continue suffering with him.

If you are reading this and your husband or partner just “doesn’t get it,” share this post with him and encourage him to reach out for help. I would love to connect with both of you to hear more about your story and collaborate with you on your journey toward healing. Neither of you has to keep struggling alone, reach out. There is help available for your marriage and for your personal healing.