Nobody Loves Me

In our darkest, loneliest, and most painful moments the thought “nobody loves me” may creep into our minds. During those times of stark isolation it feels like we are completely alone and entirely unloved. Many struggle with this thought at some point when life presents a particularly excruciating experience. For those who fight the battle with addiction, especially sex addiction or pornography addiction, this thought may be ringing so loudly, it is impossible to ignore.

By its nature, sex addiction and pornography addiction are isolating and thrive in hiding and deception. They are an attempt to fill a hole or cope with an emptiness inside ourselves that is specifically made to be filled with intimate connection with other people, not with anonymous interactions or images on a screen. The deeper into addiction we fall, the farther away we get from what will actually fill us up. To keep our addiction going we take extreme measures to conceal our actions, lock up our secrets, and bury who we really are. In moments of desperation, when we have failed again to stop the unhealthy behavior, overcome with shame and guilt, the thought comes into our mind “nobody loves me.”

Though it is painful to hear and difficult to comprehend, the nagging thought “nobody loves me” is actually true. Nobody can fully love someone they do not fully know. When we have spent our lives hiding, lying, and deceiving no one truly knows who we really are. In order to be loved we must be fully open and honest about who we are. If someone does not really know you they cannot really love you because love is based on trust and there is no trust when there is ongoing deception. By living behind a wall of lies we create a false image of ourselves and that false image is who our wife, our family, and our closest friends love. We hold up the false image and say “love this guy because if you really knew who I am you would not love me.” This is the lie we tell ourselves to convince us to stay in the shadows, hiding, alone, and unloved.

When we settle for this false picture of love we sell our wives, our families, and our closest friends well short of what their hearts are capable of. We steal the opportunity from them to be intimate with us and we never let anyone get close enough to us to be able to feel the fullness of authentic human connection. This connection is the antidote to addiction, it is what will set you free and keep you free. In order to get it, you must take the first step toward real love by being honest about your struggle and bringing into the light who you really are. Then, you will be fully known and can start building trust. Doing this is probably the complete opposite of what you want to do and you recognize that telling your secret means facing potentially serious consequences for what you have been hiding. I know and understand that feeling of abject fear from my own personal recovery journey, but the initial pain of disclosing the truth is temporary and you can have healing even if some of the consequences are long lasting. You may struggle deeply in your marriage and possibly even lose it, but the wholeness of being out in the open, fully known and fully loved, free of deceit is worth it! When you start laying the foundation for love to grow there will be healing. Life-long freedom and radical personal transformation is possible if you start by being honest. Honesty is not just “a” way to break the chains of addiction, it is the only way.

It will take time to build trust, have healing, and experience real, intimate love especially with your wife. That is why you cannot have real recovery in isolation because you need a community of people around you who can walk in sobriety with you as you weather the storm of early recovery. If you are ready to be fully known so you can be fully loved, reach out for help. A recovery coach and a group of other men in recovery will help you learn to tell the truth so you can be honest, build trust, and experience real love. I invite you to schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about my recovery process which includes one-on-one coaching and meeting with a group of other men who know and understand your struggle. After learning more you can decide if working together is the right fit for you. You do not have to continue walking alone!