Resentment: Accelerant for Addiction

Addiction is a fire that, when it reaches full unmanageability, burns every single aspect of our lives to the ground. Once in recovery, we learn tools to put out the fire and with the help of a counselor or a recovery coach, we sort through the charred pieces of our life to discover what started and kept the fire burning for so long. Fire investigators call what started the fire the source of ignition and what kept the fire burning is called the fuel, or in the case of arson it is called the accelerant. The accelerant takes the tiny spark that started the fire and quickly turns it into a raging inferno.

In a real fire, one of the most common and most volatile accelerants is gasoline. A relatively small amount can yield intense flames. In addiction, resentment is much like gasoline. First, it is easy to acquire when people intentionally or unintentionally hurt us. Second, it is highly volatile because we may not know how to handle our hurt in a healthy way. Finally, because we do not have the skills to handle our hurt, not a lot is needed to cause the fire to rage inside of us and we return to coping with our pain through our addiction. Next thing we know, we have yet again burned ourselves and those we love.

Part of what makes resentment such a potent accelerant is that it preys on our negative emotions and drives us toward the darkness of hate. 1 John 2:11 (NIV) says, “But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.” The fire of resentful hate blinds us because it keeps our mind swirling in chaos. We stumble around emotionally unregulated, we isolate ourselves from those we resent, and eventually we look for a way to cope, possibly turning back to the unhealthy behavior of addiction.

The insidious nature of resentment is that it only harms the person who feels it. Your feeling of resentment does not do anything to affect the other person because often they do not even know that is how you feel. Resentment has been described as “drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person.” This is exactly why it is so destructive because we keep drinking more and more of it, slowly poisoning ourselves, all while getting more and more angry, more and more sad, and more and more hurt, because it is doing absolutely nothing to the other person. As a result, the fire rages secretly inside of you, engulfing your heart and soul with seething hate until you feel like a smoldering wreck, blind and lost in the darkness.

What, then, will quench the fire of resentment or, even, prevent the accelerant from getting poured onto the spark of hurt to begin with? 1 John 2:10 (NIV), the verse right before the one above, points us to the answer, “Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble.” It is no coincidence that those we love have the greatest potential to hurt us because we care so much about them. The choice we have when we get hurt is either to love or turn toward resentment and permit hate to enter our heart. If we want to choose love, we must then live in the light, so there is nothing to make us stumble into hate.

Practically, this means dragging your resentment out into the light because getting it out of you is what will extinguish the spark and prevent a raging inferno. This looks like first, surrendering your resentment to God in prayer. Admit to Him your powerlessness over your resentment and ask Him to change your heart. Second, tell someone about it in a healthy way. Take it to the men in your recovery group, tell your sponsor, confess it to a priest, verbalize it so you stop having the destructive inner monologue that sprinkles accelerant onto the spark. Third, if there is lingering hostility with the person who hurt you, make the situation right. Take ownership of your actions, anything you did in the situation to cause hurt, and offer to make amends.

I recognize the third step is not always possible. If you feel resentment toward a parent who has passed away or someone you are estranged from, write a letter to them. Everything you would say if you could speak with them, write it down and then read it with someone you trust. You would be amazed how much bringing your resentment out into the light helps soothe your burning heart.

You may have noticed that working through resentment to prevent it from becoming accelerant for the fire of addiction requires other people. It is not possible to bring your resentment into the light by yourself because resentment, just like addiction, thrives in isolation. Working with a recovery coach and having deep, rigorously honest fellowship with other men who understand your struggle with addiction are powerful supports for being healthy with your resentment and your recovery from addiction. If you are reading this and would like support, I invite you to connect with me. I would love to hear more about your story and we can see if working together is a good fit for you and your journey.