Staying Stuck: Shame and Guilt

In The Two Towers, the second book in J. R. R. Tolkien's masterpiece Lord of the Rings, we meet King Theoden. Sitting on his throne, the king is a shell of himself. Old beyond his years, too weak to lead, too weak to stand, and too weak to speak. He relies almost entirely on his advisor Grima. We learn from one of the heroes of the tale, Gandalf, that King Theoden has not just weakened from old age, but he is under a spell. Over time, the whisperings of his advisor Grima, empowered by the evil voice of the evil wizard Saruman poisoned King Theoden’s mind and his body to the point where he is completely incapacitated, a prisoner on his own throne. The power of Grima and Saruman’s words captured King Theoden and lulled him into a state of total inaction all while his kingdom was being attacked, burned, and his son killed in battle. Much like the words of Grima and Saruman, shame and guilt are a powerful, evil duo that whisper into the minds of people who are struggling.

While King Theoden is a character in a fantasy novel, the shame and guilt felt while struggling is very real. When the struggle is addiction, specifically sex addiction or pornography addiction, shame and guilt nudge our thoughts toward self-condemnation, self-hate, and most powerful of all, fear. We become paralyzed by the fear of others finding out our secret struggle, the fear of what people will think of us, and the fear of facing the consequences of what we have been hiding. Shame and guilt convince us that we are unworthy of help, that people who struggle with this are beyond saving and we become bound to hiding, lying, and avoiding; a prisoner in our own minds. Much like King Theoden, we are seemingly incapacitated, unable to effect any kind of change in our life despite everything burning down around us. That is the insidious nature of shame and guilt, they work together to keep us trapped in a hypnotic loop of self-deprecation, utterly convinced we cannot change.

What ultimately frees King Theoden is the bold and clear voice of Gandalf, commanding the evil spell of Grima and Saruman to leave the stricken monarch. His spell-breaking tone is a powerful and resounding wake-up call! My wake-up call, when I was still languishing in pornography addiction, was my wife standing up and saying “enough is enough” and demanding that I tell the truth. My wife did not know what my secret was, but she knew something was wrong. I held out for about a week, adamant that I had nothing to confess and there was no “silver bullet” answer to what she felt was amiss. What finally freed me was an overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell the truth. While sitting in church, I was inundated with what I now recognize as conviction. I had to go to my wife straight away and bring into the light what I had been trying so hard to conceal in the darkness of secrecy. Fully aware and even expecting this would lead to divorce, I was unable to resist this sudden urgency to tell the truth. This is the key difference between shame and guilt and conviction. Shame and guilt convince us to stay exactly where we are. Conviction requires us to take immediate action. Like Gandalf’s voice to King Theoden, conviction breaks the spell of bondage.

Being honest with my wife did not mean things were suddenly healed in my heart and in our marriage. I sought help for my addiction and began down the recovery road. I had much to confront, unpack, and learn from. Through working a program of rigorous honesty both one-on-one with my counselor and with other men in recovery, I was able to experience life-changing freedom. If you have experienced your own wake-up call with conviction or have decided to take action for some other reason, reach out. I have been there. The first step into the light is terrifying, but recovery is not possible in isolation. I invite you to schedule a free consultation with me. We can discuss my recovery process which includes one-on-one coaching along with group sessions where you can learn to be rigorously honest and break the chains of addiction.