The Double Life

The theme song for the fourth installment of the Despicable Me franchise is a catchy tune by Pharrell Williams entitled “Double Life.” With the help of a catchy bassline, the song describes the thrill the main character Gru feels living as both a family man and as an internationally infamous supervillain. The song is meant to be a fun and silly theme for a lighthearted kid’s comedy movie. As I was listening to the playful lyrics, I was struck by how different my experience living a “double life” was from the upbeat words I was hearing. I began to think “I lived my life for more than two decades hiding, lying, and sneaking around. It was not thrilling at all, it was exhausting. When my ‘dirt’ finally came into the light, it was deeply painful, not just for me, but for my wife as well.” My double life nearly cost me everything that I hold dear.

During my two decades in pornography addiction, I thought no one would ever find out. I had convinced myself it was hopeless, there was no help for me, so there was no reason to be honest about my struggle and confront the damage I had caused. Why would I face shame, guilt, and pain if I would never actually be free from my addiction? I recognize now these thoughts are just tools of denial to justify staying alone in the darkness. In denial, I lied. I lied and said I did not struggle with sexual thoughts at all. I went to individual counseling and marriage counseling and I lied, blaming my wife for all of the problems in our marriage. When my wife was sick of the dysfunction in our relationship and she gave me an ultimatum to tell the truth, I initially lied. Lying was my default, anything to protect my double life. By the time I finally responded to the conviction I felt in my heart to tell my wife about my secret, I was so deluded with denial and deception, I no longer knew what honesty was and I had no idea how to tell the truth.

In the end, I was completely drained from living the double life. I could not keep it up anymore. I was completely broken, face-down at the bottom, desperate for help. It was at this point, after I told my wife about what I had been hiding, that I began working with a counselor through a recovery program centered around being rigorously honest. He encouraged me that being honest and finally facing the consequences of my deception were the “medicine” I needed to heal and to be free for good. Honesty was something I had to learn because I had spent so much of my life lying, I did not know what the truth sounded like anymore. With the guidance of my counselor and the support of the men in my recovery group, I began to understand what it really meant to be honest and I started building the foundation of true intimacy with my wife based on the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It would have been impossible to take this journey alone.

Spurning the double life and breaking the chains of addiction cannot be done in isolation. If you are reading this and you are ready to start living one authentic life, reach out for help, you are not alone. I invite you to schedule a free consultation to discover if my recovery process of both individual and group support is the right fit for you.