The Myth of Individualism

While I was completing my Sociology degree at Saint Vincent College, I encountered a book whose title has stuck with me for over a decade, The Myth of Individualism, by Peter L. Callero. I do not recall the finer details of the book (honestly, I probably did not finish the whole thing), but the general premise of the book is best summarized by its subtitle “How Social Forces Shape our Lives.” It posits that the forces of society which include class, culture, media, and economics are the most powerful influences shaping individuals and the ideal of self-reliance is actually a farce. Callero directly challenges the old saying “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” by showing how even the most successful and seemingly self-reliant people were affected by the social groups in which they grew up. What I took away from the book is that no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves we can do it on our own, we need other people.

Despite my takeaway, how I approached life did not reflect this. For the next ten or so years, I continued to try to live my life, as an individual, mostly in isolation. This was reflective in many areas of my life. I had very, very few friends. Every relationship I went into would quickly become a dysfunctional, dumpster fire. All the while, I was convinced I could just “pull myself up by my bootstraps.” I used alcohol and went out to bars with my buddies to reassure myself I was not actually alone. When that wore off and I was home, alone, I used pornography to escape the sad reality of my “individualism.” What I did not realize at the time was that the very thing I was using to “cope” with was actually driving me farther and farther into isolation. My drinking was public knowledge, everyone knew I did it and I did not try to hide it, but my addiction to pornography, that was a secret I fully intended to take to my grave. Even after getting sober from alcohol, I still was not free from it.

I stopped drinking, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I moved home for a fresh start, I was working part time in a church, and, at that point, I began to pray for God to take away my addiction, but still it remained. Even though I had done all of those things, I was still trying to “pull myself up” in isolation. I wanted God to go along with the myth of individualism and just fix me in private, without anyone ever knowing about what I struggled with. As I prayed, my life became worse and worse. I struggled with deep dark lows, I was always on edge and angry, I had lost hope I could be free and pretty much gave up trying. Conflict with my wife was endless until she said “enough is enough.” This was it, God was imploring me to confront my self-reliance, my isolation, my “individualism.” He was making it very clear: I cannot continue to hide my secret and I need the help of other people to truly be free. The one thing I refused to do, expose the truth, was exactly what I needed to experience a life-changing transformation.

I started by telling my wife the truth about my pornography use. When I told her, I was sure we would get a divorce and I would not get to raise my then unborn daughter. Ultimately, a family friend connected us with a counselor who specializes in pornography addiction and my recovery journey began. Very quickly, I found out that not only would I need to be honest with my wife and my counselor about my struggle, I would also need to be honest with a group of other men in recovery. My counselor explained in no uncertain terms that being part of this group is a requirement for lifelong sobriety. I could no longer continue to believe the myth of individualism because it had led me down the path of destruction. It took a little bit of time, but I learned to give up my belief in self-reliance in exchange for authentic intimacy with other men in recovery and, even more importantly, with my wife. The road was not always easy, but it was worth it! I gave up the cold and lonely myth of individualism for the warm and fulfilling truth of real human connection.

If you are reading this and you are thinking about making the decision to reject the myth of individualism and step out of the shadows into the light of truth and authentic relationships, I encourage you to reach out. You cannot walk the journey alone and there is help available! I am sharing all of this with you because despite how it may feel right now, there is hope. I invite you to schedule a free consultation with me. We can discuss my recovery approach which includes one-on-one coaching and a group with others who are struggling with addiction. You can then decide if working together is the right fit for you. Freedom is possible if you are willing to step out of self-reliance and into a community of support.