The Truth is Love

Very few people choose recovery from addiction on their own. It almost always takes unbearable pain, a near death experience, legal trouble, financial ruin, a broken family, or an ultimatum from those we love most to finally reach out for help. A person who cares deeply for us, standing up and saying “enough is enough” can sometimes be exactly what we need to hear to drive us to action. Someone being willing to speak the truth, no matter how painful it is to hear, is one of the most loving things a person can do.

My wife was that person for me. My pride would love for me to be able to say that I got into recovery because I realized I had a problem with pornography and I wanted help; but the truth is, my recovery journey started when my wife gave me an ultimatum. Looking back now, with a sober mind, I can see that she always knew something was wrong. Though she did not know exactly what it was, she knew it was something. About 6 months pregnant with our first child, my wife decided she had enough. She demanded, in no uncertain terms, that though she did not know what exactly was going on, she knew something was not right and I had to tell her the truth.

I hedged, minimized, made excuses, and finally I told her “there is no silver bullet answer” for what is wrong. A complete and total lie. This time, my wife did not accept a lie and she stood her ground, resolute, “enough is enough.” I can see now that the strength within my wife was the power of the Holy Spirit. She was not going to accept my deception this time, I had to tell the truth because the Holy Spirit within her galvanized her resolve and empowered her to immediately recognize and reject my lies. My “tricks” no longer worked, I was powerless.

Admittedly, I dragged my feet for about a week before I finally revealed my addiction and years of deception to my wife. Again, it was the power of the Holy Spirit that moved me to action. Sitting in church, without my wife, I was overcome with an irresistible urge that I needed to tell the truth, as soon as possible. That feeling of being called to action was the Holy Spirit convicting my heart of my sin. Right after church, I drove to where she was and in the cab of my F-150 I told her I had been addicted to pornography since I was young and she was the first person I had ever told about it.

I thought for sure telling her would be the beginning of the end for us. I was convinced we would get divorced, I would not see our child be born, I would be cut off from my wife, and never get to raise our child. Of course, my wife was deeply hurt. I had betrayed her completely; however I was shocked when my worst fears did not come true. After a little bit of time, I was able to get started in a recovery program for my pornography addiction and through months and years of hard work my wife and I and our little family are still together.

My wife saved my life. I started my recovery journey to save my marriage and soon-to-be family, but along the way I realized that I wanted to be free, for me. There is nothing wrong with starting recovery “for the wrong reasons” as long as you buy in and do the work. Most guys I know in recovery started because they were pushed into it, standing on the brink of losing everything, but once they experienced freedom they grabbed it with both hands and took on their sobriety for their own sake, because they wanted it. It does not matter why exactly you start, as long as you get started and have the desire to be free from your addiction.

If you are a man struggling with pornography addiction and you have not been given an ultimatum or you are not standing on the precipice of losing everything, I implore you, do not wait for your life to get to that point. Reach out for help right now. If you are about to lose everything, do not wait any longer. Ask for help today and start working toward building back your life. If you are the wife or partner of a man who is struggling with pornography addiction, do not keep accepting his lies, deception, and excuses. Tell him “enough is enough” and you want the truth and nothing but the truth. I know taking a stand is very difficult and extremely painful especially when confronted with a master manipulator, but it is the only way to put a stop to the lies and destruction. No matter who you are, you do not have to walk the road of recovery alone. Recovery in isolation is impossible. I invite you to connect with me today and start down the path to freedom, healing, and joy. I would love to hear more about your story and discuss how I can support your recovery journey.